July 9th, 2014

Everything Old Is New Again!

I have come to the realization that I have successfully repeated BOTH biological parents' life cycle patterns in the failed quest to be myself. Awesome.  It seems I was on a fool's errand from the out.

Here are my footnotes on the comparisons:

  • I've dated and produced a son with a psudochondraplasic, a feat accomplished in prior years by my "sperm donor".

  • I have been molested by my "father" (he was molested by his mother, who was molested by her father).

  • Manipulated by both my blood parents.

  • I have been a bigot towards gays (while in the closet myself), and even racist to a point towards black culture (despite my multiracial pride) in the fool's quest to please my mother.  (My mother was taught white racist and sexist (women rule, men drool) values, but married twice to black men and experimented a few times with women in her teens. Her mother was a racist [until my sisters and I were born] and sexist.)

I am not deterred. I have told my mother that I am bisexual, polygamist and (essentially) not taking anymore of her shit.  Something that has been long overdue.  It's something I had to do years ago with my biological father.  It was hard, but with Andre's help, I did it.  I am sure Andre and Reesey will be here for me now.

I am ready to stop all these curses.  I see the pattern.  I see the sickness in it's entirety.  Now, to figure out the cure.  Wish me luck!