Everything Old Is New Again!

I have come to the realization that I have successfully repeated BOTH biological parents' life cycle patterns in the failed quest to be myself. Awesome.  It seems I was on a fool's errand from the out.

Here are my footnotes on the comparisons:

  • I've dated and produced a son with a psudochondraplasic, a feat accomplished in prior years by my "sperm donor".

  • I have been molested by my "father" (he was molested by his mother, who was molested by her father).

  • Manipulated by both my blood parents.

  • I have been a bigot towards gays (while in the closet myself), and even racist to a point towards black culture (despite my multiracial pride) in the fool's quest to please my mother.  (My mother was taught white racist and sexist (women rule, men drool) values, but married twice to black men and experimented a few times with women in her teens. Her mother was a racist [until my sisters and I were born] and sexist.)

I am not deterred. I have told my mother that I am bisexual, polygamist and (essentially) not taking anymore of her shit.  Something that has been long overdue.  It's something I had to do years ago with my biological father.  It was hard, but with Andre's help, I did it.  I am sure Andre and Reesey will be here for me now.

I am ready to stop all these curses.  I see the pattern.  I see the sickness in it's entirety.  Now, to figure out the cure.  Wish me luck!


The Present of Mine

Today... you have beaten me till I am raw. There is nothing left but awe, at the relentless pain left replacing the mundane.

Today, why do you have to be this way? My mind left in peices by you... slain.

Well Today, you are over done and I have moved on to another one. One who promises me candy and kisses.

Tomorrow, who wants to fullfill all my rainbow-faery tale wishes. Tomorrow promises no sorrow.

So, goodbye Today. You cannot stay.

-Nadine Brown

Dream A Dream

I have dreamed a dream, sometimes many in one day, to have a love that was never really to come my way.

Thwarted at every turn, many times through heartache I have had to relearn, that my path flows not to yern for things that others have not earned.

To give my love and admiration away, to put my soul and heart on display... no I was not made as a lamb for the slay.

To say "I love you." now, is like sweet milk from a sallow cow.  It coats my heart - covering my eyes like a cloud.

It is onto that cloud that I allow my mind to wander.  Ponder and dream a dream of a life that could have been if only I had been let in.  Of children - being much more than friends.

One can only dream, for it seems that the human heart is patient but only to a point.  So much so that one comes to a joint in the road much traveled.  Having to graple with the fear of never having that dreaming love held dear all these years.

So I sailed away, I was not asked to stay.  Infact, many times pushed away, my lover's heart keep far at bay.  A decision of self-preservation had to be made.

Searched and found one whom's love for me abound, lying wating for me as I had for thee.  I could not turn away this love who had morals slain and lain open for me to wound - only get cut too soon.  In this we had our respective tombs.

Now I have married.  The love of me by them has carried into devotion and trust.  Time, though fleeting, is just.  Prior love, I made thought, to be simply my need for lust.

Having returned, over time I have finally earned my long awaited love.  My dear... it is clear... my love is still here.  Now, I fear I must tell the truth, I am not as dreamy as I once was in my youth.  Jaded and torn, made to be the source of scorn a new me over time has been molded and born.

Dedication through helpful education and recommendation that I move on, has led me to stay by my spouse's side.  For, in my lover's sallow shadow I no longer hide.

I am tempted to say, "Dream a dream of a seperate happy day.  Do not follow behind me and slay desires and passion by chasing a dream that has long since gone away."  Part of me, however, still wants you to stay.

So, it seems, I continue to dream a dream.

Swelling Sea

Swelling up like the sea, these fond fearing loving emotions in me.
Against my will, religion and creed... loving beyond any such need.

Long have I gotten used to licking this old wound, knowing that my true suffering will never end.
To be loved truly is where I now stand, now having someone to hold my hand.

The shoulda coulda wouldas bound me, to my ever eternal plee.
To worship deep in my unbounded sea, my own personal Calypso that lies before me.

I now know I am the sheep that disables sleep.
Torn and happily tourmented by a love so deep.

Finally I am seen and they see me... but at what cost has our ship set to sea?
When I think of it it's makes us closer and further at the same time.  The first true love I ever had.

Ready to fail, fall to hell and bleed... more than just a couple times.
Once again... my heart is slit open to bleed.

But onto this love and pain I cleave, not knowing or wanting it to leave.
So used to this feeling and now it has me reeling to know it is finally recieved and set free.

Wanting it to grow, to even slightly know what or how it could go.
The scent of this unreal and compelling adoration.  Everything in moderation.

No.  I want to drink, not think to sink deep into this long awaited love.  To empassion myself and no longer put this on the shelf.  This love has rested too long.  I know it is wrong but I want this moment... before it is gone.

To kiss those lips, hands on hips and to know my longing is satiated. The danger game I play has always been this way.
What if my love says, "Nay.  To me do not pray for such a day".  Fear, the same fear an ex-drunkard has of the one drop of wiskey that long left the lips, now calling beging for, "just a little sip".

Oh to be a responsible person, to do the right thing is a terrible path.  Evil is selfish and dare I say I am evil and wicked indeed.

For it is I who has a more than decade long need to breath the same air, hear the words tickling my ears... "I love you."  To see the look on the face to finally physically embrace the one who has ruled my thoughts these many years.  The pain and anguish of it brings me to near tears.

Unrequieted... love now at arms reach.  Now left to dance around in poetic speech.  Always knowing but never flowing... this love started by the sea.  The love that is now engulfing me... bound by the deep and endless sea.
  • Current Mood
    confused confused

Someone Left The Gate Open

It is said to be loved even once in your life is a rare a truly magnificent thing indeed.
I have been fortunate to have been loved by many more than once.
They love their own versions of me.
Then when I boomerang back, the words, "You have changed.", in that saddening tone hit me like a stone in my soul.

Why wouldn't you want me to change?  Why can't you see my core and know that won't change?
Why can't you accept the me that is here before you and the me that will come after?
Why can't you change with me?

Love to me means love the soul of me - the many hidden parts of me.  Even the me that I can't see.
Love is unconditional, making you a strangely wild soldier for the one you love.  Never wiling to give up or surrender.
Love... is like someone left the gate open and you are the happy and devoted dog ready to bound for your master.

Love is knowing when to close that gate, and when to leave it open.
  • Current Mood
    chipper chipper
  • Tags

The Tendant Sea

I have the tendancy to lay myself bare, and once there hopin' that the token I have opened will not be for nothin'.

Tendancy to lay my self wide, and decide that all of me or none of me is what you get to see.

Wanting to desperately have someone "get" me in a way that leads to sureity and away from the unpredictable open sea of endless possibility... that is me.

When I lay myself bare, lyin' there, I feel both hope and dispare. Scared, of what may be a chance to have a friend or an enemy, but only time will sea.

My open and hopin' heart begins to bleed wishing that I had fleed the scene of what is or may be a crime scene of me.  The murder of my ferver to love... and be loved.

But then I remeber not to tremor at a potential lost, reminded of the cost of the One who is worthy of my pearls, to whom my flag unfarrowed furrls.  He is to be understanding, trusted and loved, who lays Himself down on the cross at the cost of our sin, open and left bleedin' while others were left laughin'... at him.

Lead me not into the tendant sea of doubt, remorse and fret.  Let me ever never forget the One who does "get"... me, and who I am to be.

-Nadine Brown
  • Current Mood
    touched touched
  • Tags

Selfish Curiosity... a poem.

What about me makes you breath
A sigh of relief once I have left the room?
This same sigh fills the room once a baby has left the womb.

What about me gives you courage and hope
Makes you smarter than a dope?
"Don't be shy for it is I!",... the sort of love that makes you unlike a dove.

What about me gives your life a glory once you hear all or part of my story?
Does it make you glad you are not me,
Feeling free and not trapped by your own insecurities?

What about me makes you wild and unexiled, like a child
Forthcomming and ready to cross the street without looking... running?

Is there a point about me where you say, "This lady is crazy and the last thing I want to be is her like me."?

What about me makes your heart beat with the only one heat
Even the Sonoran Desert street cannot match by any feat?
I ask this of you, I entreat... what about me?
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
  • Tags

New Year... A Poem

A new year is here and as expected we are ready to raise our glass up and give a shout-out/ cheer.

In celebration and anticipation for some sort of emacipation that our new year revolution, in relation, will give us.  The hope of a life a chance to start again.

What we know and all we know is "Yo-ho! Forward, onward starboard we go!"  Like pirates on a mission we envision that the new year will provide new chances of exploration.  A chance for new declarations.

And through all this hope that is abound there are a few doubters/ worriers to be found.  "The new year will find us no longer here.  The human race is a waist of space on this earthly place and so, we must now go.

The end is here so why do you cheer?!", they cry as facts based on a long forgotten religion has died and been resurrected seemingly to have affected the minds of today so that they no longer can shout "Horay!" at the new year, but instead live in fear.

But wait... haven't we been here?  Weren't there simular end of days proclimations accross the nations that computers will crash if we didn't do something fast?  We panicked and ran around only to have found that there was not a single true sign of trouble going down.

So then, we laughed at the past, simply aghast at the fast manner in which we all scattered and catered to the whimsy and how simply flimsy our faith in our maker was.  Easily broken by a mass media attempt for control.

So, what is a person to do, shutter in fear or shout "WOO-HOO!" at the on-comming year?  Having lived most of my life in fear... I like being here, being willing to enjoy the thrilling new promise of tomorrow to see where next we are to go.

So, I will be apart of the pirating crew, raising my semitar shouting "WOO-HOO!  Hey-hey yo-ho to the new year onward we go!  Full speed ahead for we aren't likey to be dead until the good Lord has it said for us to be put in our 6' deep bed."  Yo ho maties, yo ho!